Honing healthy habits

Lawyers have a tough job. Much tougher than anyone tells you at school or college. 

Having worked with many sizeable law firms, both city and regional, I see several issues that – while present in other careers as well – are accentuated in law. One of the issues is that because everything is billable, clients’ (sometimes already unrealistic) expectations are heightened. This is then compounded by expectations of inhuman levels of professionalism. Throw into the mix the fact that – because you’re often dealing with very stressful areas of their lives – you can end up bearing the brunt of clients’ emotional outbursts, and it’s small wonder the job can be stressful. 

Of course, no one is immune to emotional challenges. And if you’re not careful, they can creep up on you before you even notice them. In this article, I’ll take a brief look at the key areas of your emotional health that are worth paying attention to – and why.

Relationship with stress

In truth, this is the big one: when we are stressed, we are scared. The core feeling it’s rooted in is fear. When I’m stressed, I’m either scared something is going to happen or scared something isn’t. I’m stuck in the past worrying about what’s already gone wrong, or I’m in the future worrying about what might. I’m definitely not in the present, which – workwise – is where the great stuff happens. 

There is such a thing as healthy stress. We call it eustress. This is the stress that gets us motivated, drives us forward and energises us. Some may refer to it as excitement. If, however, we’re not as self-aware as we could be, that excitement can – if it’s too intense or goes on too long – become overwhelming. It can even turn into anxiety. Being aware of your own physical and psychological stress signs, and taking action by responding to them, means you will not only maintain a positive work–life dynamic, but you’ll also enjoy your career and everything it brings with it. 

When you encounter clients or coworkers who are difficult or challenging, ask yourself: “What are my stress levels and do I need to take some time to deal with them?” A few minutes spent breathing, walking round the block or writing down your thoughts can, and will, make you more efficient. 

When we allow stress to become too great a presence in our lives, other aspects of our wellbeing will also be affected. 

Self-esteem

I’ll break this down into two areas: emotional neediness (tough to hear, but it’s true), and the tendency to take things personally.

Emotional neediness

If we tie our self-esteem to our career, our achievements or our relationships, then we’re likely to be emotionally needy. To put it another way, we’re attempting to sustain our ego through feedback loops that will continually let us down. 

Initially, the managing partner appears to like you, love your work and listen to you in the ways that you need. Soon, though, this won’t be enough to feed the self-esteem monster that exists within us all if we’re not careful. The boss who values you, praises you and respects you can quickly become the manager who doesn’t appreciate you enough for the level of work you put in (and the fees you bring in). 

Our society encourages us to get hooked on the external validation of others, and it’s a dangerous psychological game to play. It can lead to worry, overwork and even burnout, causing people to leave perfectly good jobs because “no one appreciates me round here”. Developing a strong sense of internal validation and self-respect is key to having a healthy relationship with ourselves, others and our work.

That difficult and challenging coworker or client may simply be asking for what they need, just not in the most emotionally intelligent way. If we’re meeting our own emotional needs, we can often recognise this and adjust accordingly; if we aren’t, we may feel that client or coworker is being disrespectful and unappreciative.

Taking things personally

Taking things too personally can mean we exaggerate the implications of an interaction with someone, rather than focusing on what was actually said or done. A client who says you’re a rubbish lawyer who’s done a rubbish job is relatively easy to deal with: they’re being rude, and there will be plenty of evidence to refute their accusations. Facts and logic work to neutralise the emotional effects such an accusation has on you. 

What’s more difficult to deal with, however, is what they don’t say – but what you’re sure they mean. This is a clue and an insight into the negative beliefs we carry around with us. The chances are that the client or coworker didn’t openly say that you’re stupid, useless or unworthy, but that’s what you heard. Asking yourself what was said – and what you imagined was meant – is a good starting place for picking apart these emotional reactions. 

Employees with healthy self-esteem set healthy boundaries, are less likely to react emotionally and are generally more healthy and efficient.

Dealing with difficult people

If you focus on your wellbeing – that is, prioritise your health and wellbeing rather than continually overwork – you’re likely to be less stressed, less emotionally reactive and less inclined to spend time wondering what someone actually meant. If you feel hurt by something someone says or does, ask yourself: “Am I too stressed, am I expecting too much from their feedback and am I taking things too personally?” If the answer is an honest “No”, then maybe you need to clear the air with this person.

Sitting down and having a gentle but direct conversation often helps. Try to use impact statements like:

• This is what you said or did (the facts).
• This is how I felt when it happened (the impact).
• This is how I’d appreciate you behaving differently going forwards (in other words, I want you to change your behaviour).

If you do decide to clear the air with someone, don’t be attached to the outcome you ask for. Just because you set your boundaries and explained how they overstepped them, this doesn’t mean that person will suddenly change their behaviour. It does mean, though, that those who behave in a difficult and challenging way have more information about you and your boundaries that they weren’t aware of before. 

This gentle, assertive structure can also be used in writing and in both personal and professional relationships. After some practice, it can become an essential tool for improving relationships, maintaining personal / professional boundaries and building your own sense of emotional resilience.

Focus on yourself first

Dealing with difficult and challenging people is a personal wellbeing issue. Such people can impact your mental and overall wellbeing by increasing your stress, impacting your self-esteem and escalating conflict in your life. 

Focus on yourself first: actively take the spotlight away from them and build your inner resilience. By working on your internal thought processes, you may even start to see these people as a gift – one that helped you develop both personally and professionally.